To Moving On!

She was 15 when she fell in love. It was a beautiful feeling. She thought about him day and night and always wondered whether it was the same with him. They spoke all day. They went out everyday and spent time with each other. She fell for him more and more everyday. She didn't know he would mean so much to her. He said he loved her too and always will. He said that she means a lot to him and he would never give up on her, no matter what. He was possessive and protective and she loved that about him. She loved his smile. She thought it was beautiful and it made her go crazy. Nobody knew him the way she did, she thought, but she was wrong. She never knew him... And life took a turn.

They dated for 3 years. She still remembers every detail of every meeting with him. He meant the world to her. She obeyed him like a slave. She always did what he said but she couldn't expect the same from him and that is when everything changed. She started to doubt. She started getting tensed and was scared because he was always rude to her. She started getting insecure because she thought he would go away to another girl who is much better than her in every way. Even the thought of him romancing someone else gave her chills and she started crying. She knew he was good at heart but she didn't know what was going on. She tried talking to him but he always asked her to keep quiet and not irritate him. She wanted to know what was going on in his mind. In spite of so many problems they faced, he always said that he loved her, no matter how rude he got during fights. They always fought but the love was always there. He was over-possessive, abusive and short-tempered but she always stood by him. He made others feel like she was the one ruining his life by not giving him space but no, the truth was not known by anyone. It was she who went through the torture because according to him a girl should stay in her limits and not enjoy life the way guys do. In short, it was Gender Discrimination that existed here, for 3 years. He was the most egoistic person she ever met! She thought with time, things will change.. he will change but no. It only got worse. It pinched her that he wouldn't listen to her like she listens to him. She always wondered what went wrong and why did he change from a kind, loving boy to a narrow minded, cruel human being.

He always told her that he'd never leave her. He promised a lot of things that sounded very nice and even she did. It was for those promises, that she held on to him for such a long time in spite of knowing that she had so many reasons to leave him and move on, but no, she was tolerant and patient or you can call her a stupid. It didn't matter to her what people said, what mattered the most was this relationship.
 

Every time they broke up, she felt like her heart has been ripped off. She couldn't take the harsh words. She always cried a river, begged, fell on her knees so that he takes her back, even though it wasn't her fault or not a serious topic to fight about. She lost all her respect just because he meant a lot to her. She didn't know why she did it, she tried to make herself understand too, that it'd never work out, he'll never change but she never gave up. They broke up and got back together again and again , not because she always forced and convinced him but because he always called when she stopped convincing because he missed her. She thought things will change and so will he but no, it only got worse.

When people asked her why didn't she give up on him before, inspite of knowing he'd never change and what he did was wrong? She said he was always there when there was no one. "He made me feel complete." But the bitter truth was that he only took advantage of her because he knew she was emotionally weak and needed him the most. He always kept her hanging. She was stuck. She didn't know what to do and nothing helped. She couldn't stay with him or without him. He always said he'll change but no, he just lied. He lied every time. 

She was always scared of getting cheated on by him. She thought she'd die if it ever happened. She thought she'd never be able to move on in life and be fully happy. She thought she'd feel incomplete without him but she knew she had to face it at some point in life. She wasn't ready for it but life took a turn again. Things were good again, he was changed and she was happy. They celebrated their 2nd anniversary and it was like a fairy-tale. Beautiful. He made her believe that he loved her the most! She was on cloud 9! They still fought but this time they were mature enough to let go off the fights and stay at peace. He always took a break during exams, he did it again. But this time, she just couldn't handle with the whole break thing. She was insecure and scared but he calmed her down and looked her in the eye and said, "I am very attached to you and this is why I'm still here. I would never leave you." That made her heart melt and she thought she should stop worrying and let him concentrate.

But something happened, something that changed everything. It was bad, it was unbelievable. He did what she was scared of and this time she couldn't avoid it nor run away from it because it was the truth. She had to face it. She finally got that one reason to forget about him and move on. She finally had to be strong and let go.. let go of him because that was the only option left. She obviously couldn't take him back after what he did, she didn't want to because he crossed all limits. He lied from the very first time they met and fell in love and he lied till the end. He didn't even regret it nor did he care. She thought to herself that her first impression of him was right.. he was arrogant, a player, an insensitive person, cruel, selfish and most of all, he was a liar! She told him that she did not expect him to cheat on her like that because she thought he cared and would never do anything to hurt her. They fought, kissed, made up, fought again, spoke like best friends, (she) shared secrets, etc. He was everything and now suddenly he was gone. He betrayed her like everyone did. But you know what the best part was? After 3 years of dating, she thought the hardest thing for her was to forget everything and move on! FORGET EVERYTHING. She thought she'd never be able to love, enjoy and be happy ever again, always feel incomplete and have trust issues regarding men that became stronger now, all because of this one guy she loved! Her feelings starting flowing. She regretted everything, everything that she ever did for him. She regretted not listening to people who warned her about him. She regretted fighting for him. She regretted because she thought of killing herself so that the pain could just end.  Most of all, she regretted that she believed all his lies like a fool! She felt like she was used. She felt like trash. She was ashamed of herself for loving someone like him because he always let her down. She gave up on so many things, missed out on so many opportunities,  cut off contacts with everyone he asked her to, and behaved like his slave so that he doesn't leave her, just to see that he doesn't even care or regret what he did! WOW.                                          
                                                                

                             
And then something happened, something good, something that should have happened earlier. She decided to move on! She decided she won't take his shit anymore, she won't take him back or even look at his face. She finally realized that she doesn't deserve this , she never did. She finally realized her worth. She realized that she is beautiful and strong and she doesn't need a guy to make her smile. She understood that she is complete without him and that life was MUCH better when he wasn't around! There was less drama, no fights, no tears, no lies, no tension, no insecurity.. nothing! There was happiness! Happiness everywhere. She's happy now because she's not upset, she's not thinking too much. Her brain feels light and good. She goes out, meets new people, has a lot of new friends, she experienced her first "kick" too! :D  She's grateful to God who saved her and finally answered her prayers. She is grateful to those friends who stood by her and loved her for who she is. She's finally happy after 3 years of hell! She wished that she realized this earlier, but it's better late than never..

                                                            

The reason behind this post was to inspire and make all the stupid girls out there, who give in too much for a guy, realize their worth! You're beautiful, you don't deserve shit! When a stupid photo on Facebook pops in front of your eyes that says, "There is always that one guy you can't get over." trust me, it's a LIE! You can get over someone only if you want to and if at all these words don't help, I hope this song does.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-35GWbTjus

DON'T BE A FOOL LIKE HER. Moving on is great too! :)

"Don't worry about finding your soul mate. Find yourself." - Jason Evert.

What the future holds for me.

There always comes a moment in our lives when we think about our future. What it is going to be like, what are we going to do or what are we going to become, etc. We ask ourselves so many questions! So many thoughts go through our minds, but, sometimes we don't have an answer. 

 We are always asked to decide what is the next step we want to take towards our future. Some decide it at a very early age, some decide later, some are 'still thinking' and some never decide! Those who decide are lucky. No complications, no confusions! Those who don't decide, go the way life takes them and eventually they know what they have to do. The people who are 'Still thinking', are screwed big time! The process of thinking makes you go crazy. So many confusions, complications, questions and blah blah blah! It's not like you just close your eyes and decide or just ask someone to pick one of the two fingers to put your thinking process to an end. It's hard. It's about your future, about your life. This one decision can change everything. It's either going to be good or bad. 

                                

                          

I always wonder what my life is going to be like, what the future has in store for me but I am always without an answer. I'm always left clueless. Sometimes I imagine me taking care of my house, children and husband. Sometimes I see myself working in an office with no social life! And sometimes, I see myself doing nothing!  Just eating and watching television just like I do now or even worse! I see myself unmarried and in depression too! :O And then I get a panic attack and start praying to God to help me decide what I want to do and that should be good. I shouldn't regret it later and most of all I should be happy with my life. 

 

                             

Seriously, this thinking process is a pain! 

"What have you decided to do?" is the question that I've been asked by people every second day. 

 

                            

"I have no clue what I want from life!!" is the answer to that question which I'm tired of repeating every now and then. So, I don't say anything or I just make some excuse and get out of there so that my mother answers that question for me! Which is pretty sad if not pathetic.

 

                          

Rewinding back 15 years, I always had the answer to such questions. If people asked me where my future laid, I was going to finish school, go to college and study to become an air hostess or a lawyer or a fashion designer. But life turned out very differently as the years went by. My sight on the future became muddled.  

 

                             

I remember when I was a kid and teachers asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up. Sometimes I said that I wanted to be a teacher, sometimes a doctor, sometimes a lawyer, sometimes a fashion designer, and sometimes an actress! And I was quiet good at acting! :P I changed my answers like clothes! Different answers every time! Sometimes I even copied! I have some friends who made up their mind of what they wanted to be when I was changing answers. And, they are working on it too while I'm still thinking! And now when I think about those options which were then, just answers I feel like a fool. I think about every option and then my thoughts are as follows :

1. Teacher - Kids are irritating at school. They ask the same thing 10 times! It's not their mistake but still! They are noisy. Most of all, I am impatient! 

 

                       

2. Doctor - Science! NO WAY! Just not my thing! Although it's a good profession and a noble deed too. I can't study that much! Too much only.

 

                      

3. Lawyer - Hmmm.. I like arguing and I'm good at it too. But it's not that fun anyway. And what if people don't hire me?! And I can't even stand people lying!

                     

4. Fashion Designer - What if no one comes to my boutique?!?! :O and I can't even draw that well!

 

                       

5. Actress - Haha! No, that was just a hobby when I was a kid. :P Not interested anyway. You don't get privacy and people bitch about you so much! And what if my movie is a FLOP? :O

 

                              

 These were my thoughts about every career option I thought I wanted to be when I was a stupid, silly child.

  Coming back to how I now see my life, I still can’t say. Blaming it on some silly excuse is an easy escape.

I really don't know what the future holds for me and I also know that I'm not the only one going through the thinking process which is a real pain! Maybe I am being ungrateful and unappreciative, not able to understand the gift that has been handed to me. But hello?! Everyone has the right to take their own time to think about their future! (only if it's not too late.)

 All I can do is hope and keep faith. This is the only way to keep myself going and then, maybe someday I'd finally decide what I want and then finally I can stop thinking *phew* and asking myself so many questions and going through so many confusions. 

 

                             

But somewhere I feel that I'm lucky that I have time to think. Some people don't even get that! Like I said, maybe I'm being ungrateful and unappreciative, but hey, that's okay! Everyone of us go through it and someday we will learn to value everything. :)

 

 

Always Wished To Be A "Daddy's Girl"

                                          

I was 4 when I lost my father. I had an elder brother who was in the 7th grade. I heard my mother and my aunt crying in the morning at 6:00 and I came out to see what had happened.. and there I could see Dada (my dad) lying on the bed STILL. I knew he was gone.. but I thought he would come back so I did not cry.

It has been 13 years and that scene is still fresh in my mind. I remember everything that happened. I remember that I did not feel the pain back then and now I realize the pain of losing a Father, who is supposed to be the HERO of a girl's life.

My mother told me once, "Your father WANTED a girl! He wanted me to give birth to a baby girl." I felt good.. I felt Special..and somehow I became emotional and tears started to roll down from my eyes.. I was being nostalgic. 

I remember the day when my father was counting money and I asked him to get me a Pink Frock! Though I did not get my Pink Frock.. I surely did get something else! He brought Two White rats! :D I know it's weird but they were really cute.. I named them "CHINGU-PINGU" :D 

I remembered the time when I was chewing my thumb and he told me that I looked like a Pig!! I was really scared! I didn't want to look like a Pig :( Of course he was lying.. so that I stop chewing it! 

He used to drop me to school on his bike! I love bike-rides only because of him! I feel like a free bird, I feel like I'm flying! :D

There are Many such small moments we both have spent together which I can never forget throughout my Life. Those four years of my life were the most Valuable moments I spent with him! 

I always see my friends going out with their Dads, Spending time with them, their dads getting them expensive gifts and pampering them or sometimes even Slapping or Screaming on them for their mistakes! :P But whatever it is, they're all very lucky that they have a father.. I definitely don't feel jealous but I surely feel bad. I want someone too, to slap me when I do/say something stupid, to cuddle me in his arms, to guide me, encourage me and most of all, to give his love.. 

As I grew up these feelings grew too.. It became more painful. Sometimes it was even hard to control myself from crying in front of my friends and see them being loved by their fathers..

                      



I remember the day he died, he came in my dreams the same night after the funeral, he was smiling at me. I woke up suddenly and realized that it was a dream and told my mom about it.. Since that day, I've been praying to God to send my father in my dreams again! But it never happened.. 

I was once reading 'Chicken Soup For The Teenage Soul IV', there was one particular story that caught my attention. The chapter was named "When Daddy Died". I wanted to read it because I knew it was somehow related to me..so I started reading it and by the end of the story I was already in Tears! There was this one line there which made me cry the most, It said "I'm only a kid! He's not supposed to die yet! My friends all have their fathers. He's too good and too young. It isn't fair."  

As I read this line, I thought to myself " OMG! I feel the same way! :( " 

I mourned the death of my father, allowing emotion to wash over me. I cried for the loss of my childhood, for the way things used to be when my father was in our home, for the good times never to be realized, but most of all, for the person I had become.

I still feel the same way sometimes on seeing an emotional movie related to Fathers & Daughters(especially "Heyy Babyy") and I go through the same pain all over again but somehow I try and stop myself because I know he's watching me and he would never want me to cry..!

I always wished he was here.. I always think 'What would have happened now if he was alive!?'

I just hope no girl goes through the pain I went through..especially in this age when a girl needs her father the most! 

It is truly said that, "A father can be the Only Hero in a Girl's life!" :)
Because he is the ONLY man in the world who will love you all his life without any Regrets!

I would just want everyone reading this, to go and HUG their Fathers and tell them how special they truly are! I missed my chance, so don't miss yours!

I miss you dada!

Love,

Oshin.