What the future holds for me.

There always comes a moment in our lives when we think about our future. What it is going to be like, what are we going to do or what are we going to become, etc. We ask ourselves so many questions! So many thoughts go through our minds, but, sometimes we don't have an answer. 

 We are always asked to decide what is the next step we want to take towards our future. Some decide it at a very early age, some decide later, some are 'still thinking' and some never decide! Those who decide are lucky. No complications, no confusions! Those who don't decide, go the way life takes them and eventually they know what they have to do. The people who are 'Still thinking', are screwed big time! The process of thinking makes you go crazy. So many confusions, complications, questions and blah blah blah! It's not like you just close your eyes and decide or just ask someone to pick one of the two fingers to put your thinking process to an end. It's hard. It's about your future, about your life. This one decision can change everything. It's either going to be good or bad. 

                                

                          

I always wonder what my life is going to be like, what the future has in store for me but I am always without an answer. I'm always left clueless. Sometimes I imagine me taking care of my house, children and husband. Sometimes I see myself working in an office with no social life! And sometimes, I see myself doing nothing!  Just eating and watching television just like I do now or even worse! I see myself unmarried and in depression too! :O And then I get a panic attack and start praying to God to help me decide what I want to do and that should be good. I shouldn't regret it later and most of all I should be happy with my life. 

 

                             

Seriously, this thinking process is a pain! 

"What have you decided to do?" is the question that I've been asked by people every second day. 

 

                            

"I have no clue what I want from life!!" is the answer to that question which I'm tired of repeating every now and then. So, I don't say anything or I just make some excuse and get out of there so that my mother answers that question for me! Which is pretty sad if not pathetic.

 

                          

Rewinding back 15 years, I always had the answer to such questions. If people asked me where my future laid, I was going to finish school, go to college and study to become an air hostess or a lawyer or a fashion designer. But life turned out very differently as the years went by. My sight on the future became muddled.  

 

                             

I remember when I was a kid and teachers asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up. Sometimes I said that I wanted to be a teacher, sometimes a doctor, sometimes a lawyer, sometimes a fashion designer, and sometimes an actress! And I was quiet good at acting! :P I changed my answers like clothes! Different answers every time! Sometimes I even copied! I have some friends who made up their mind of what they wanted to be when I was changing answers. And, they are working on it too while I'm still thinking! And now when I think about those options which were then, just answers I feel like a fool. I think about every option and then my thoughts are as follows :

1. Teacher - Kids are irritating at school. They ask the same thing 10 times! It's not their mistake but still! They are noisy. Most of all, I am impatient! 

 

                       

2. Doctor - Science! NO WAY! Just not my thing! Although it's a good profession and a noble deed too. I can't study that much! Too much only.

 

                      

3. Lawyer - Hmmm.. I like arguing and I'm good at it too. But it's not that fun anyway. And what if people don't hire me?! And I can't even stand people lying!

                     

4. Fashion Designer - What if no one comes to my boutique?!?! :O and I can't even draw that well!

 

                       

5. Actress - Haha! No, that was just a hobby when I was a kid. :P Not interested anyway. You don't get privacy and people bitch about you so much! And what if my movie is a FLOP? :O

 

                              

 These were my thoughts about every career option I thought I wanted to be when I was a stupid, silly child.

  Coming back to how I now see my life, I still can’t say. Blaming it on some silly excuse is an easy escape.

I really don't know what the future holds for me and I also know that I'm not the only one going through the thinking process which is a real pain! Maybe I am being ungrateful and unappreciative, not able to understand the gift that has been handed to me. But hello?! Everyone has the right to take their own time to think about their future! (only if it's not too late.)

 All I can do is hope and keep faith. This is the only way to keep myself going and then, maybe someday I'd finally decide what I want and then finally I can stop thinking *phew* and asking myself so many questions and going through so many confusions. 

 

                             

But somewhere I feel that I'm lucky that I have time to think. Some people don't even get that! Like I said, maybe I'm being ungrateful and unappreciative, but hey, that's okay! Everyone of us go through it and someday we will learn to value everything. :)

 

 

Always Wished To Be A "Daddy's Girl"

                                          

I was 4 when I lost my father. I had an elder brother who was in the 7th grade. I heard my mother and my aunt crying in the morning at 6:00 and I came out to see what had happened.. and there I could see Dada (my dad) lying on the bed STILL. I knew he was gone.. but I thought he would come back so I did not cry.

It has been 13 years and that scene is still fresh in my mind. I remember everything that happened. I remember that I did not feel the pain back then and now I realize the pain of losing a Father, who is supposed to be the HERO of a girl's life.

My mother told me once, "Your father WANTED a girl! He wanted me to give birth to a baby girl." I felt good.. I felt Special..and somehow I became emotional and tears started to roll down from my eyes.. I was being nostalgic. 

I remember the day when my father was counting money and I asked him to get me a Pink Frock! Though I did not get my Pink Frock.. I surely did get something else! He brought Two White rats! :D I know it's weird but they were really cute.. I named them "CHINGU-PINGU" :D 

I remembered the time when I was chewing my thumb and he told me that I looked like a Pig!! I was really scared! I didn't want to look like a Pig :( Of course he was lying.. so that I stop chewing it! 

He used to drop me to school on his bike! I love bike-rides only because of him! I feel like a free bird, I feel like I'm flying! :D

There are Many such small moments we both have spent together which I can never forget throughout my Life. Those four years of my life were the most Valuable moments I spent with him! 

I always see my friends going out with their Dads, Spending time with them, their dads getting them expensive gifts and pampering them or sometimes even Slapping or Screaming on them for their mistakes! :P But whatever it is, they're all very lucky that they have a father.. I definitely don't feel jealous but I surely feel bad. I want someone too, to slap me when I do/say something stupid, to cuddle me in his arms, to guide me, encourage me and most of all, to give his love.. 

As I grew up these feelings grew too.. It became more painful. Sometimes it was even hard to control myself from crying in front of my friends and see them being loved by their fathers..

                      



I remember the day he died, he came in my dreams the same night after the funeral, he was smiling at me. I woke up suddenly and realized that it was a dream and told my mom about it.. Since that day, I've been praying to God to send my father in my dreams again! But it never happened.. 

I was once reading 'Chicken Soup For The Teenage Soul IV', there was one particular story that caught my attention. The chapter was named "When Daddy Died". I wanted to read it because I knew it was somehow related to me..so I started reading it and by the end of the story I was already in Tears! There was this one line there which made me cry the most, It said "I'm only a kid! He's not supposed to die yet! My friends all have their fathers. He's too good and too young. It isn't fair."  

As I read this line, I thought to myself " OMG! I feel the same way! :( " 

I mourned the death of my father, allowing emotion to wash over me. I cried for the loss of my childhood, for the way things used to be when my father was in our home, for the good times never to be realized, but most of all, for the person I had become.

I still feel the same way sometimes on seeing an emotional movie related to Fathers & Daughters(especially "Heyy Babyy") and I go through the same pain all over again but somehow I try and stop myself because I know he's watching me and he would never want me to cry..!

I always wished he was here.. I always think 'What would have happened now if he was alive!?'

I just hope no girl goes through the pain I went through..especially in this age when a girl needs her father the most! 

It is truly said that, "A father can be the Only Hero in a Girl's life!" :)
Because he is the ONLY man in the world who will love you all his life without any Regrets!

I would just want everyone reading this, to go and HUG their Fathers and tell them how special they truly are! I missed my chance, so don't miss yours!

I miss you dada!

Love,

Oshin.