There always comes a moment in our lives when we think about our future. What it is going to be like, what are we going to do or what are we going to become, etc. We ask ourselves so many questions! So many thoughts go through our minds, but, sometimes we don't have an answer.
We are always asked to decide what is the next step we want to take towards our future. Some decide it at a very early age, some decide later, some are 'still thinking' and some never decide! Those who decide are lucky. No complications, no confusions! Those who don't decide, go the way life takes them and eventually they know what they have to do. The people who are 'Still thinking', are screwed big time! The process of thinking makes you go crazy. So many confusions, complications, questions and blah blah blah! It's not like you just close your eyes and decide or just ask someone to pick one of the two fingers to put your thinking process to an end. It's hard. It's about your future, about your life. This one decision can change everything. It's either going to be good or bad.
I always wonder what my life is going to be like, what the future has in store for me but I am always without an answer. I'm always left clueless. Sometimes I imagine me taking care of my house, children and husband. Sometimes I see myself working in an office with no social life! And sometimes, I see myself doing nothing! Just eating and watching television just like I do now or even worse! I see myself unmarried and in depression too! :O And then I get a panic attack and start praying to God to help me decide what I want to do and that should be good. I shouldn't regret it later and most of all I should be happy with my life.
Seriously, this thinking process is a pain!
"What have you decided to do?" is the question that I've been asked by people every second day.
"I have no clue what I want from life!!" is the answer to that question which I'm tired of repeating every now and then. So, I don't say anything or I just make some excuse and get out of there so that my mother answers that question for me! Which is pretty sad if not pathetic.
Rewinding back 15 years, I always had the answer to such questions. If people asked me where my future laid, I was going to finish school, go to college and study to become an air hostess or a lawyer or a fashion designer. But life turned out very differently as the years went by. My sight on the future became muddled.
I remember when I was a kid and teachers asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up. Sometimes I said that I wanted to be a teacher, sometimes a doctor, sometimes a lawyer, sometimes a fashion designer, and sometimes an actress! And I was quiet good at acting! :P I changed my answers like clothes! Different answers every time! Sometimes I even copied! I have some friends who made up their mind of what they wanted to be when I was changing answers. And, they are working on it too while I'm still thinking! And now when I think about those options which were then, just answers I feel like a fool. I think about every option and then my thoughts are as follows :
1. Teacher - Kids are irritating at school. They ask the same thing 10 times! It's not their mistake but still! They are noisy. Most of all, I am impatient!
2. Doctor - Science! NO WAY! Just not my thing! Although it's a good profession and a noble deed too. I can't study that much! Too much only.
3. Lawyer - Hmmm.. I like arguing and I'm good at it too. But it's not that fun anyway. And what if people don't hire me?! And I can't even stand people lying!
4. Fashion Designer - What if no one comes to my boutique?!?! :O and I can't even draw that well!
5. Actress - Haha! No, that was just a hobby when I was a kid. :P Not interested anyway. You don't get privacy and people bitch about you so much! And what if my movie is a FLOP? :O
These were my thoughts about every career option I thought I wanted to be when I was a stupid, silly child.
Coming back to how I now see my life, I still can’t say. Blaming it on some silly excuse is an easy escape.
I really don't know what the future holds for me and I also know that I'm not the only one going through the thinking process which is a real pain! Maybe I am being ungrateful and unappreciative, not able to understand the gift that has been handed to me. But hello?! Everyone has the right to take their own time to think about their future! (only if it's not too late.)
All I can do is hope and keep faith. This is the only way to keep myself going and then, maybe someday I'd finally decide what I want and then finally I can stop thinking *phew* and asking myself so many questions and going through so many confusions.
But somewhere I feel that I'm lucky that I have time to think. Some people don't even get that! Like I said, maybe I'm being ungrateful and unappreciative, but hey, that's okay! Everyone of us go through it and someday we will learn to value everything. :)
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